Sportsmeat

We'll get back to sports pretty soon as we get closer to the NCAA Tournament, but for now, more TV. My latest was to try and figure out my favorite TV theme songs. I know I'm leaving out a ton and I had trouble whittling it down to five, but here are my five and a few too many honorable mentions:

1. It’s Garry Shandling’s Show
2. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
3. The A-Team
4. Cheers
5. Monk

Honorable Mention: Dukes of Hazard, The Jeffersons, MASH, The O.C., Sanford and Son, Saved by the Bell, Veronica Mars.

To hear any or to check out more, click here.

In the interest of striking while the pop-culture iron is hot, here are three things I learned by watching last night's Oscar preludes:

- Barbara Walters does not "get" the Moldy Peaches.

- "Curvy girls" look fabulous in white dresses. (On a related note, Jennifer Hudson is not fat -- she "has a little bump.")

- Red carpet interviews get awkward after the first question and downright unwatchable after the second.

The steroids thing has gotten boring. Baseball is still too far away, as are the NCAA Championships and the NBA postseason. Football is over. The lead story coming out of the weekend was Nascar. It's a dead time in sports, which means it's time to shift focus.

I heard this debate on the radio recently and thought I'd weight in. The question: What are your five favorite sitcoms of all time? To keep this narrow, let's restrict it to comedies that are 30 minutes or shorter. Other than that, make your own rules. I wouldn't consider Entourage or Weeds, for instance, as sitcoms, but some might. I'm no dictator here.

My nominees are, for the most part, pretty easy. For anyone of our generation, Seinfeld is close to a no-brainer, and there's no way I could make this list without Cheers. I think The Office is about the funniest thing going, so that gets a nod. My fourth show I don't think is a great show, but it appeals to my sense of humor, and that's Scrubs. My last pick came down to three shows, but I went with Coach over 30 Rock and Undeclared.

So that's it: Cheers, Coach, The Office, Scrubs and Seinfeld. And the rest of the Meaters?

Congress is an easy target so I generally try to avoid piling on, but the last two days have been pretty ridiculous. First, the Clemens-McNamee lie fest went to C-Span and ESPN (an impressive double if it wasn’t so absurd) and Roger Goodell met with Arlen Specter regarding the Pats taping the Eagles walk-though before the Super Bowl, among other Belichick-related indiscretions.

In their own right, both events are significant to sport, as they go to the very notion of fair play. And I had very little problem with Congress holding Major League Baseball accountable for the steroids scandal since MLB showed little inclination to do so itself. But currently Congress is mediating a dispute between two people—which seems like something more appropriate for a court of law. I can’t see that Congress is investigating steroids use—it’s trying to determine who lied, Clemens or McNamee. (And in truth, it’s probably both.)

Meantime, if the Patriots were indeed cheating for seven years and prior to its first Super Bowl win, it seems to me this is the NFL’s dictate to decide punishment (and the punishment should be heavy). I just don’t understand where Specter comes in.

All of this leads me to believe that I’m missing something and I know we have some lawyers in this group. Someone please make this make sense.

The time has come to end the saga otherwise known as "Butt Shots: The Musical," based on the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens. In Scene Five, we get a glimpse of three final pieces -- a phone call with Brian McNamee, an interrogation from U.S. Senators, and a return to where the story began, in Roger's quiet bedroom. Confused? Follow the rest of the story by checking out Scene One: The Temptation, Scene Two: The Injection, Scene Three: The Confrontation, and Scene Four: The Investigation.

[ROGER is on the phone with MCNAMEE]

ROGER: Have you seen the news?
They say I'm a cheat.
A loser who had to
Shoot drugs to compete---

MCNAMEE: What do you want me to say?

ROGER: Sold down the river,
Now I'm up a creek,
Even Mike Wallace says,
That I have to speak---

MCNAMEE: What do you want me to say?

ROGER: I didn't do it,
Just tell them the truth,
The fans will forgive me,
There never was proof.

MCNAMEE: (spoken) Wait, do you want me to tell the truth, or do you want me to just say you didn't do it---

ROGER: This CON-VER-SAAAAAY-TION ... is ... O-VER! [angrily hangs up the phone and storms off stage]

[Set up desk, with water pitcher and glass, for Congressional testimony]

ROGER: [seated] It's just like I said,
B-12, Lanacane,
A quick little shooter,
To deal with the pain.

SENATOR A: You really expect,
We'll buy that old line,
After Pettite himself
Told us you were lyin'

ROGER: He must have misheard,
My sarcastic laugh,
Let's forget this whole thing,
Here's my autograph--- [gets up to hand SENATOR A a signed baseball]

SENATOR B: Enough of this trash,
Return to your seat,
This hearing is over,
Adjourned and complete! [bangs gavel, ROGER wanders, dejectedly, toward center stage while hearing room set is wheeled away]

[Bedroom set from Scene One is returned to the stage. ROGER climbs into bed.]

[Reprise of "Sleepless in Toronto"]

ROGER: They say that every star,
Eventually must dim,
And the star cannot protest,
When it’s happening to him.

Yes, I used to be a hero,
A man in a boy's game.
Now I’m an utter failure,
And steroids are to blame.

I can never be that ace,
Aging or otherwise.
The sweet rejuvination,
Has become my demise.

No one will remember,
That juice fueled my whole team,
Crashing Rocket is the scape goat,
Wish it were just a dream.

[ROGER falls asleep, stage fades to darkness. Curtains close.]

Labels: Roger Clemens Musical

I was on the phone with our absentee 'meater, the Rog, and we started talking about NCAA hoops and the chatter that always surrounds bubble teams. Rog had a good question, for which neither of us had an answer: How well do bubble teams fare in the tournament? It's really a series of questions that begins with what makes a bubble team (our best definition: the eight lowest-seeded at-large teams). Next questions: What percentage make it past the first weekend? Into the Final Four? Has a "bubble team" ever won it all? Or, simply put, was the '85 Villanova team one of the eight lowest-seeded at-large teams?

Rog suggested I post this, in case anyone is very bored and would like to do a significant amount of tedious research just so that we can say, "Huh, how 'bout that." So there it is. McDayter.

Super Fat Tuesday came to a long, delayed close when my wife made me shut off the television at 1 a.m. ET last night (this morning, technically) and not a whole lot of closure out of the biggest primary day in American political history. The breakdown:

Republicans
John McCain was the clear winner yesterday and the presumptive nominee. I actually thought he had a strong but slightly disappointing day until MSNBC and CNN (the two stations I was flipping between) called California and Missouri for him within minutes of each other.

Mike Huckabee was the day’s other big winner. The likable nutjob from Bill Clinton’s hometown still has no chance of winning the nomination (Mississippi is about the only state he’ll win from here on out) but he certainly established his bona fides with core, southern conservatives and made himself a legit option for McCain’s V.P.

Mitt Romney was the day’s big loser. He got hosed in West Virginia to start the day (Romney was leading in a three-way race, but then, in the quirky two-way convention, McCain threw his people Huckabee’s way) and, while he won a number of states, was unable to break through where he needed to—Missouri, Georgia and California. All that said, I don’t think his candidacy is dead. There are still a number of states where he can compete against McCain, including Ohio, where his strength on the economy could play well.

Democrats
The night was essentially a wash. I think I would say Hillary won the night because she’ll come out of it with more delegates, won the two biggest prizes (New York and California) and posted impressive wins in California and Massachusetts (despite endorsements of Obama from both Massachusetts senators, Ted Kennedy and John Kerry, as well as Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick).

However, Obama won 13 states to eight for Clinton (and has a very slight lead in undecided New Mexico). And while Clinton may have won the big prizes, her victories were relatively narrow; Obama, conversely, took a number of traditionally red states by whopping margins. Moreover, Obama took the bellwether state of Missouri in an upset and managed to break Clinton’s presumed hold over the tri-state area by taking Connecticut.

The other good news for Obama is that the next week sets up in his favor (Louisiana, Washington, Nebraska, Maine) and he has a good chance to sweep the Chesapeake primaries (Maryland, Virginia, D.C.) six days from now. Even if he doesn’t, Obama will likely head into the swing state of Wisconsin Feb. 19 in a dead heat with Clinton, setting up a major showdown a month from now with same-day primaries in Texas and Ohio.

Today marks the unusual confluence of Fat Tuesday (New Orleans, drinking) and Super Tuesday (20-odd states and American Samoa, kissing babies), which Tom Brokaw has deemed Tsunami Tuesday for all the states involved.

And since the majority of our reader- and writer-ship are in Super Tuesday states (CA, CT, MA, NJ, NY), remember to get out and vote today. Preferably for Obama, but that's your call.

By now everyone has already recapped the Super Bowl 100 times, so I’ll boil it down to the things that stood out to me:

-) The Giants defense was amazing. If you throw two TDs and lead your team to a game-winning touchdown with 35 seconds left, you deserve to be the MVP, but there is no question that the Giants’ D-Line was the difference in the game (Justin Tuck, with six tackles, two sacks and a forced fumble, was probably the best of the bunch). The Patriots came into the game averaging 36 points and 411 yards per game – and score more than 30 points in 13 of 18 games – yet the Giants held them to 14 points. They sacked Brady five times and probably knocked him down more than the Jets have since Mo Lewis ruptured Drew Bledsoe’s spleen. Plus, by creating such a pass rush, they didn’t allow the Pats the time it takes to go deep to Randy Moss and earn an easy touchdown. It was a truly remarkable performance.

-) Two things surprised me about the Patriots’ strategy. The Giants were coming after Brady hard, yet the Pats didn’t go to a max protection scheme to give Brady more time. It seemed obvious that the Pats O-line wasn’t handling the Giants D-line, so why not leave a back or an extra tight end in to block? Also odd was that the Pats gave up on the running game. I know it wasn’t especially effective, but a semblance of a running attack also might have slowed the Giants’ pass rushers. Maroney rushed just 14 times, and just six in the second half despite the Pats holding the ball for twice the number of minutes in the second half as the first.

-) Troy Aikman really, really loves to say Osi Umenyiora’s name. And not just the last name. The full name. Like 15 times a possession. (That was my first of two Larry King moments.)

-) A lot has been made of Belichick leaving the field before the end of the game. I can’t stand the guy—in fact, he’s my least favorite non-criminal in sports (ahead of even Barry Bonds and T.O.)—but I’m not quite ready to kill him on this one. He thought the game was over and went over and shook Coughlin’s hand. He didn’t blow him off. All that said, a coach should not leave the field while his players are still on it. He didn’t desecrate the game, but he’s still a jerk and that was one more jerky moment in a career full of them.

-) Other than that, a lot of credit to the Patriots players, who I thought were pretty classy in handling the loss. I’m sure they were devastated, but they didn’t make excuses.

-) And finally, can someone get Mercury Morris to the f&$% shut up??!!

Moving on to more important things, the Second Sportsmeat Football Pool (2007-08 edition) has finally come to its end. In this case, it swung on whether the Giants covered the spread. If they hadn’t, Budds would have won a second title in two years. Instead, I finally picked the Giants to cover and they came through (as they had nearly every time I picked against them, like with the Bucs, Cowboys and Packers).

The only person to pick the game correctly was Dave Law, who picked the Giants to win and cover and took the under, giving him all 20 points. Snoop was the only one to take the collar. So as fans go, congrats to Big Thunder and condolences to Snoop and Maxipriest.

Below are the updated, final standings:

EJ - 217 points (10 this past weekend)
Budds - 210 (5)
Joe - 206 (5)
Maxipriest - 192 (5)
Dave Law - 146.5 (20)
Big Thunder - 122 (-)
Snoop - 111 (0)
Y.A. Shoes - 35 (-)

If you liked the previous excerpts from "Butt Shots," the first and only musical to chronicle the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, you're in luck this Friday afternoon -- Scene Three is below. If you're tired of all this musical nonsense, you can also consider yourself lucky. Scene Five, coming next week, will be the final installment. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out Scene One: The Temptation, Scene Two: The Injection, and Scene Four: The Investigation.

More about Scene Three: This one, inspired by West Side Story, is for Snoop, the best Tony that Monadnock ever saw. It takes us back to an innocent age -- an age before 9/11, before the Florida recount, before Boston became the capital of professional sports -- to the Subway Series of 2000...

[Flash forward to the 2000 World Series. ROGER stands on the mound, staring down a batter]

ANNOUNCER: (spoken) Pitching for the New York Yankees... Roger Clemens. [Applause]

ROGER: [peering menacingly over his glove]
When you're a Yank,
You're expected to win,
It's steroids you thank,
And that's not a sin.

When you're a Yank,
You're a Yank till you're dead,
Built like a tank,
And you aim for the head.

[Winds up and throws a pitch to PIAZZA, who fouls off the ball, breaking his bat]

[ROGER picks up the barrel of the bat and throws it at PIAZZA]

ROGER: (spoken) You want a piece of me?

[The benches clear and the team's face off on the first base line]

PIAZZA: When you're a Met,
You're a Met all the way,
And for sure, you can bet,
I'll be buried at Shea.

METS TEAMMATES: When you're a Met,
You got pride, you can say
Mike -- he's e-fem-inette,
But we swear he's not gay.

ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, whatever---

JETER: When you're a Yank,
You bleed white and blue,
And let me be frank,
We're just better than you.

AL LEITER: When you're a Met,
You don't need to be cocky,
Obnoxious or rude,
Like Jeremy Shockey--

PIAZZA: (spoken) --You mean the sophomore tight end at the University of Miami? Sort of an obscure reference, don't you think?

UMPIRE: When you're an ump,
You make the call.
Enough with the singing,
Can we just play ball?

PIAZZA: (spoken) Uh, sure.

ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, let's go.

[Players stop their posturing, shrug, and slowly head back to their dugouts]

Labels: Roger Clemens Musical