Thursday, January 24, 2008
Scene Two: The Injection
On Sportsmeat, as in movies, sequels rarely live up to expectations (see "Randy Wolf vs. Beowulf," the follow-up to my "Gil Meche vs. Gilgamesh" post). But with "Butt Shots," I think the story must go on. I can't just tease with an opening scene and then let it drop. So love it or hate it, the Broadway musical about Roger Clemens' alleged steroid use continues. Again, feedback is appreciated. For instance, does anyone know if "tookis" is the correct spelling? Grammar majors?
[The following day, ROGER sits in front of his locker as his teammates leave for batting practice. MCNAMEE stays behind.]
ROGER: (spoken) I've been thinking about what you said, you know, about the "mojo"---
MCNAMEE: (spoken) And?
ROGER: And I want to give it a ... SHOT! [jumps up from his chair, syringe in hand]
MCNAMEE: (spoken) I knew I could count on you. OK, OK, what's the plan? You wanna start right away?
ROGER: I'll start off with a double shot,
Or triple! What's the harm?
Now let me roll my sleeve up,
Then stick it in my arm!
MCNAMEE: [pauses, moves towards ROGER's left]
I think you are mistaken,
On where the needle goes---
ROGER: I pitch with my right arm,
As everybody knows...
MCNAMEE: We can't have needle markings,
Showing up on TV,
So we'll do the injection,
Where cameras cannot see.
ROGER: (spoken) Can't see? What do you mean?
[start dance routine]
MCNAMEE: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I promise you'll win 20 games
Now that you're on the juice.
ROGER: The tookis? The buttocks?
The rumpus or the rear?
It only takes a second?
It's nothing I should fear?
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
the gleuts or the caboose?
This sounds a little gay,
Not sure I want the juice--
MCNAMEE: Forget your rabbit's foot,
Or your four-leaf clover,
Stop being such a wuss,
And just be-nnnd over!
[ROGER winces and sticks out his butt; MACNAMEE injects; Fireworks go off, and ROGER stands and flexes with newfound strength]
[Enter chorus of TEAMMATES, dancing with bats, ala Danny Kaye with cane]
TEAMMATES: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
We're going to the World Series,
now that you're on the juice.
MUSCULAR, POWER-HITTING TEAMMATE: [deep baritone]
The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I was a middle infielder
before I found the juice.
TEAMMATES: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
We're in the clear, so have no fear,
they don't test for the juice.
ROGER: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I'll play another 20 yearrrrrrrs,
now that I've found the juice!
[ROGER, MACNAMEE, and TEAMMATES enthusiastically run out of the clubhouse]
[The following day, ROGER sits in front of his locker as his teammates leave for batting practice. MCNAMEE stays behind.]
ROGER: (spoken) I've been thinking about what you said, you know, about the "mojo"---
MCNAMEE: (spoken) And?
ROGER: And I want to give it a ... SHOT! [jumps up from his chair, syringe in hand]
MCNAMEE: (spoken) I knew I could count on you. OK, OK, what's the plan? You wanna start right away?
ROGER: I'll start off with a double shot,
Or triple! What's the harm?
Now let me roll my sleeve up,
Then stick it in my arm!
MCNAMEE: [pauses, moves towards ROGER's left]
I think you are mistaken,
On where the needle goes---
ROGER: I pitch with my right arm,
As everybody knows...
MCNAMEE: We can't have needle markings,
Showing up on TV,
So we'll do the injection,
Where cameras cannot see.
ROGER: (spoken) Can't see? What do you mean?
[start dance routine]
MCNAMEE: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I promise you'll win 20 games
Now that you're on the juice.
ROGER: The tookis? The buttocks?
The rumpus or the rear?
It only takes a second?
It's nothing I should fear?
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
the gleuts or the caboose?
This sounds a little gay,
Not sure I want the juice--
MCNAMEE: Forget your rabbit's foot,
Or your four-leaf clover,
Stop being such a wuss,
And just be-nnnd over!
[ROGER winces and sticks out his butt; MACNAMEE injects; Fireworks go off, and ROGER stands and flexes with newfound strength]
[Enter chorus of TEAMMATES, dancing with bats, ala Danny Kaye with cane]
TEAMMATES: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
We're going to the World Series,
now that you're on the juice.
MUSCULAR, POWER-HITTING TEAMMATE: [deep baritone]
The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I was a middle infielder
before I found the juice.
TEAMMATES: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
We're in the clear, so have no fear,
they don't test for the juice.
ROGER: The tookis, the buttocks,
The rumpus or the rear,
It only takes a second,
It's nothing you should fear.
The butt-the-bum-the-bottom,
The gleuts or the caboose,
I'll play another 20 yearrrrrrrs,
now that I've found the juice!
[ROGER, MACNAMEE, and TEAMMATES enthusiastically run out of the clubhouse]
Labels: Roger Clemens Musical
# posted by Budds @ 9:18 AM 
