Sportsmeat

This week’s matchup of an epic hero and a modern-day ballplayer:

Randy Wolf vs. Beowulf

Career trajectory
Beowulf got his start defending a mead hall where the monster Grendel had killed a bunch of drunken townspeople. Randy Wolf got his start pitching for the Phillies in Veterans Stadium, in front of a bunch of drunken townspeople, including some who wore wolf masks in his honor. Wolf left Philly for a big free agent contract in his home state. Beowulf eventually returned to his homeland to become king. King trumps No. 3 starter. Advantage: Beowulf.

Skills
Beowulf kills Grendel by ripping off his arm and later beheads Grendel’s mother (dubbed Grendelmombeast by my buddy Jeff in Mrs. Campbell’s 12th grade English class), so he’s basically the monster-slaying equivalent of a power pitcher. Wolf, on the other hand, is versatile, with five pitches in his arsenal and impeccable control. He also hit three home runs in a season once, not bad for a pitcher. Advantage: Randy Wolf.

Injuries
Randy Wolf is throwing well in his second season after Tommy John surgery. Beowulf recovered from the wounds of his Grendel and Grendelmombeast clashes but eventually died from injuries sustained while slaying a dragon. Slight advantage to Randy Wolf.

Legacy
Wolf likely will be remembered as a solid if unremarkable starting pitcher (career record so far: 78-66). Beowulf’s story, more than 1,000 years after its first telling, is still skimmed by thousands of high school kids each year. Advantage: Beowulf.

Summary
Beowulf was the Roger Clemens of monster slayers. He kept coming back to show his might and soak in the glory, and although he made one comeback too many, he still lives on as a legend in his game. Randy Wolf’s career, according to Baseball Reference, compares favorably with those of Earl Whitehill and Jim Lonborg. Not exactly dragon slayers on the mound. So Beowulf wins the head-to-head showdown.

Labels: 12th grade English, beowulf, grendel, randy wolf

News flash from the Poconos: Cherry Valley Golf Club in Stroudsburg, Pa., the place where I made my first eagle, is catching flak for hosting a golf tournament with strippers. One enterprising local teen shot video from the event. The police are trying to figure out if any laws were broken. I was under the impression that this type of thing never made it beyond the bar-room hypotheticals -- "Er, wouldn't it be cool if, like, the caddies stripped or something?" -- but apparently these guys took it to the next level. Their reward? A pun-laced front page story in the (Allentown) Morning Call, including subtle phrases like "were tease shots out of bounds?", "call it strip tees," and "the investigation will take a lot of legwork."

So yesterday the results from the Harris Poll asking fans simply, “Who is your favorite athlete?” were released. The general poll numbers posted no great surprises: Tiger came in at No. 1, followed by Derek Jeter, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre and LeBron James. For women, Serena Williams topped the list, followed by Danica Patrick, Venus Williams, Mia Hamm and Maria Sharapova.

There were, however, a few oddities. Harris said that race factored into the decision, with blacks preferring Serena (makes sense), whites preferring Danica (pretty much makes sense) and Hispanics preferring Sharapova (??????).

Other things of interest:

-) Apparently people ages 18 to 29 are called Echo Boomers (children of boomers, perhaps), while 30 to 41 is Generation X. Being 30, I thought I was part of Generation Y, but apparently Generation Y has been absorbed by the echo boomers. And I’m not there anyway. Who knew?

-) The favorite athlete of both echo boomers and Generation X is Michael Jordan, who most echo boomers probably know better through reputation than anything, while Tiger Woods is tops for Baby Boomers (42 to 60) and Matures (61 and over). Is this because old people like golf and younger people prefer basketball? It’s the only explanation I can come up with.

Anyway, here’s the link to the poll so meaters can explore for themselves. Thoughts?

My preparation for this mock draft involved reading a lot of other mock drafts, analyzing teams' needs and basically judging which players I thought were best. It's pretty far from scientific but at least now I'm ready for a few hours of large men in ugly suits and baseball caps shaking hands with a very short David Stern. Here we go:

1. Greg Oden – Portland Trailblazers
Perhaps the Blazers should think outside the box here and not take the best big man available because Kevin Durant is an exceptional prospect (and they already have Zach Randolph and LaMarcus Aldridge). But so is Oden, and point guard and centers are always the hardest to find. Expect Randolph to be traded in short order, likely for a swingman to pair with Brandan Roy.

2. Kevin Durant – Seattle Supersonics
The Sonics will be more than happy to re-tool Durant and use him for all the posters to publicize their move to Oklahoma City. He’s either the immediate replacement for Rashard Lewis at SF or, if Lewis re-signs, the long-term at SG in place of Ray Allen. And the thought of Luke Ridnour, Ray Allen, Durant, Lewis and Robert “Stick Figure” Swift running the floor is a pleasant one for basketball-loving Oklahomans. There is a lot of good, young talent on the Sonics and Durant is a building block for that.

3. Mike Conley, Jr. – Atlanta Hawks
Every mock draft I’ve read says Al Horford here, but the Hawks need a point guard very, very badly and Conley has the potential to be one of the best in the league. He’s a Tony Parker clone (en vogue since Parker’s MVP) and thinks pass-first, which fits in well with unselfish players like Joe Johnson and Marvin Williams. Plus, the Hawks have a pretty good PF in 20-year-old Josh Smith, who averaged 17 points and 8 rebounds last year (even if he looks more like a SF). All that said, the Hawks could take Horford here and then either Acie Law or Javaris Crittenton (a Ga. Tech product, no less) later on. They may also consider a trade down that could net them Conley and Joakim Noah to fill their two big needs.

4. Al Horford - Memphis Grizzlies
The Grizz would be thrilled to have Horford here as a replacement for – or complement to – Pau Gasol. He’s the best player available and fills a need, providing some youth to go along with Rudy Gay. By the way, did anyone know that Damon Stoudemire was still on the Memphis roster? I totally forgot about him and just figured he retired a few years ago.

5. Yi Jianlian – Boston Celtics
I had Corey Brewer here originally and, chances are, the Celts aren’t going to keep this pick. But Yi is getting a lot of good publicity recently and he could be a game changer for the Celtics and a nice complement to Al Jefferson, who is more of a bruiser. Also, this pick allows Gerald Green to develop as the 2 guard. The downside? Yi is a bit of a project and Paul Pierce wants to win now (which, I would argue, is why the Celts need to trade Pierce and build from the ground up). Downside No. 2? After getting no help in this draft, Pierce could go Ricky Davis (or Latrell Sprewell, or Stephen Jackson, take your pick) on Ainge. Perhaps that’s not a downside—either way, it’ll be fun to watch it play out.

6. Joakim Noah – Milwaukee Bucks
Corey Brewer will be a consideration as a replacement for the oft-injured Bobby Simmons, but the Bucks need some help up front. Andrew Bogut is skilled but not super athletic, and Noah would bring the rebounding and shot blocking Bogut lacks, allowing Charlie Villanueva to slide to small forward. All that said, Mo Williams is a restricted free agent, so Conley would be the pick if Mo signs elsewhere.

7. Corey Brewer - Minnesota Timberwolves
Brandan Wright is probably the most talented player available, but if Garnett is still around (and he could be a Laker by the time I post this), the T’Wolves need some immediate help and Brewer could provide defense on the perimeter. He also has some offensive skill, but appears to be coming into this draft a little overrated. Noah is also a possibility if he falls—at the very least, he’d be a partner who could match Garnett’s energy level night in and night out.

8. Julian Wright - Charlotte Bobcats
This team has depth at every position but lacks a true star at any of them. With Gerald Wallace a possibility to leave through free agency, Wright could be a fill-in (though he isn’t likely to contribute right away, so don’t rule out Jeff Green). The Bobcats could also use a center, but this seems a little early for Spencer Hawes, destined to be the bust of the lottery.

9. Jeff Green – Chicago Bulls
On a roster with Luol Deng and Andres Nocioni, Green seems a little redundant. But the Bulls like to mix up their roster and Green is a solid player who can contribute right away and guard LeBron James for the next decade. If Noah falls this far, he could be the pick—and the Bulls do need a center, so don’t rule out Hawes or even Yi if they want some offense alongside Ben Wallace’s defense. How perfect would Garnett or Gasol be on this team? The Bulls should really package this pick and one of their redundant players (Nocioni, Sefolosha, maybe even Tyrus Thomas and whatever other contracts are necessary to make this work) and get Gasol. If Ben Gordon is part of any trade, Al Thornton or Nick Young would be the likely picks here.

10. Brandan Wright – Sacramento Kings
Wright is a casualty of other young player’s ills. After the disaster that is Kwame Brown and the slow development of players like Marvin Williams and Tyrus Thomas, teams that have been losing for a long time are reluctant to wait on a guy to develop. And Wright will take time. Luckily for him, the Kings are a disaster and need help at virtually every position. They need to trade Bibby, Psycho Artest and Brad Miller while they still have value and just start over. Wright is a good guy to start with.

11. Nick Young – Atlanta Hawks
12. Al Thornton – Philadelphia 76ers
13. Spencer Hawes – New Orleans Hornets
14. Javaris Crittenton – LA Clippers

When the news came across the wire last winter that my beloved Royals were spending $55 million for Gil Meche, I had mixed feelings. Sure, he was a quality young pitcher, and yes, they probably weren’t that far over market price. In fact, it was encouraging that they were willing to spend money on someone other than Mike Sweeney, whose frequent DL stints put him in the lineup about as often as a starting pitcher. But Gil Meche? Could he really be the cornerstone of a pitching staff? I joked with E.J. that Royals GM Dayton Moore thought he was signing Gilgamesh, the Mesopotamian demigod chronicled in “The Epic of Gilgamesh.” It's the sort of joke that works on English majors but draws tumbleweeds from everyone else.

Well, so far, Meche has been solid, despite a 4-6 record. He has a 3.21 ERA, averages more than six innings per start, and is the closest thing the Royals have to an All-Star. Plus, he had the marbles to keep his uniform number, 55, reminding every fan of his mega contract each time he throws a pitch. All this made me wonder (again, I'm probably the only one who wonders this): How would he stack up with Gilgamesh? With the help of Wikipedia and ESPN.com, I give you…

Gil Meche vs. Gilgamesh

Physical makeup
Gil Meche is listed at 6-foot-3, 220 pounds, which I think would have been an imposing size in the ancient world. Gilgamesh was pretty powerful -- he defeated the demon giant Humbaba -- but he needed 13 winds from the sun god Shamash to help him get the job done. Weak. Advantage: Gil Meche.

Stats
According to Wikipedia, Gilgamesh was two-thirds god and one-third man. Gil Meche’s god-to-man ratio isn’t listed on ESPN.com, but he has struck out an impressive 2.75 batters for every walk he’s issued. Still, advantage: Gilgamesh.

Sidekicks
Gilgamesh tamed the man-beast Enkidu and turned him into a sort of Mesopotamian Sundance Kid. Enkidu seems like a good dude, interpreting dreams for Gilgamesh and doing some other sidekick stuff, but it doesn’t end well (see below). Gil Meche, on the other hand, has worked well with Royals catcher John Buck, who is having a career year both behind and at the plate. Advantage: Gil Meche.

Results
Despite Gilgamesh’s best efforts, his buddy Enkidu forgets his instructions when he travels to the underworld and is doomed to spend eternity there. Despite Gil Meche’s strong starting pitching, the Royals are mired in last place in the AL Central – perhaps for eternity as well, unless the White Sox’s downward spiral continues. Advantage: Push.

Summary
Man-god king Gilgamesh slayed tigers. Royals pitcher Gil Meche has split two starts against the Tigers. Still, with my warped sense of fairness, I declare Gil Meche king of this head-to-head match-up. Next week: Jorge Posada vs. sea god Poseidon.

Congrats to E.J., who had Tiger, Furyk, and 13th-place Steve Stricker for a total of 145 points. He edged Big Thunder and Snoop (141 points each), and Joseph and Maxipriest (140). Budds followed up the Masters Miracle with a dismal 71 (Tiger = 70, Vijay = 1), and late entry Y.A. Shoes finished with 70. Stay tuned for more prognostication involving guys wearing funny pants (or collar-free red shirts) at the British Open next month.

Something else to watch: The NCAA is cracking down on live blogging at championship events. The Louisville Courier-Journal and The Oregonian have been the first victims, but it's a trend that seems to have legs. The NCAA feels that live bloggers infringe on the broadcast rights that TV and radio stations pay big bucks for, so they're cracking down, threatening to deny credentials to newspapers that blog. The interesting thing is that it's only happened late in the season, in the super-regionals. Bloggers have been reporting from baseball games all year, and schools haven't seemed to mind -- the more coverage the better. But when they get to June, when ESPN actually pretends to care about college baseball, then the live blogs must stop. So what's the back story? Is this the result of pressure from ESPN? Do they really feel threatened by a few newspaper blogs with modest readership? No, it appears that CSTV has blogging rights (or "Slogging" rights) to the College World Series, with a sports blog and game tracker. Not sure if they pay for that privilege or if it's folded in with their TV contract for other NCAA events, but it's interesting. Could the NCAA try to stop me from blogging if I sat at home and reported on an ESPN game? If I cared at all about college baseball, I might give it a try to test the waters.

But I don't. No one does. Which makes this even more strange. My prediction: This is a prelude to a bigger fight when football season comes around this fall.

Past performance may not indicate future results, but with several duplicate choices (everyone took Tiger, five for Furyk, four picked Goosen), breaking down the Pride Point players shouldn’t be too hard. A total of 12 players were chosen:

Multiple votes
Tiger Woods – 12 major championships, two U.S. Opens (2000, 2002), missed cut at 2006 U.S. Open
Jim Furyk – One major championship, one U.S. Open (2003), T-2nd at 2006 U.S. Open
Retief Goosen - Two major championships, two U.S. Opens (2001, 2004), missed cut at 2006 U.S. Open
Vijay Singh – Three major championships, no U.S. Opens, T-6th at 2006 U.S. Open
Ernie Els – Three major championships, two U.S. Opens (1994, 1997), T-26th at 2006 U.S. Open
Phil Mickelson – Three major championships, no U.S. Opens, T-2nd at 2006 U.S. Open
Padraig Harrington – No major championships, no U.S. Opens, 5th at 2006 U.S. Open

Dark horses
Luke Donald – T-12th at 2006 U.S. Open
Sean O'Hair – T-26th at 2006 U.S. Open
Rory Sabbatini – Missed cut at 2006 U.S. Open
Adam Scott – T-21st at 2006 U.S. Open
Steve Stricker – T-6th at 2006 U.S. Open

That's right golf fans -- It's time for the Sportsmeat U.S. Open Golf Pride Point Showdown

Pick five players from this week's field at Oakmont and watch intently as they work toward piling up Pride Points on your behalf. Points will be determined by order of finish, using the same breakdown we used for the Masters:
1st place = 100 points
2nd = 70
3rd = 55
4 = 45
5 = 35
6 = 30
7 = 25
8 = 20
9 = 15
10 = 10
11-16 = 5
17-25 = 1
25-MC = nada.

Picks are due before the all-star first group of Ken Duke, Sam Walker, and Johnson Wagner tees off at 7 a.m. EDT Thursday. Happy picking. By the way, the picture above is of Forrest Fezler, '74 U.S. Open runner-up who changed into shorts between the 71st and 72nd holes to challenge what he thought was a USGA rule. Turns out only the PGA Tour barred shorts -- the USGA didn't care. They were probably thrilled to see those groovy plaid slacks tucked into his golf bag.

Today marks the beginning of the crapshoot better known as the Major League Baseball Amateur Draft, and thanks to Baseball Reference, I've been browsing the recent history of first-round picks. Most teams have selected at least one first-rounder since 2000 who is now contributing to a major league team -- players like Jered Weaver, Prince Fielder, Jeff Franceour, Jeremy Bonderman, Mark Teixeira, Justin Verlander, and Khalil Greene. But there also are plenty of recent picks who have yet to fulfill their promise. The Cardinals, for instance, have picked 11 first rounders since 2000, and not one has played in the majors yet. The best round-one drafters include the A's (Huston Street, Nick Swisher, Bonderman), Brewers (Fielder and Ricky Weeks), Devil Rays (Delmon Young, B.J. Upton, Rocco Baldelli), Giants (Matt Cain, Noah Lowry), and Phillies (Chase Utley, Cole Hamels). Many of those teams have had the advantage of drafting early in the first round. But one who has not may be the most impressive of all: the New York Metropolitans. Since 2000, the Mets have picked eight players in the first round, and all eight have had at least a cup of coffee in the bigs. Included in that group are David Wright, Scott Kazmir, Aaron Heilman, and Lastings Millidge. Who knew?

The title refers not to my blogging absence (which has been long and indistinguished), but rather to the recent public gaffes and flip-flops of Kobe Bryant, Clinton Portis, Billy Donovan, and others. These are people who have handlers -- agents, p.r. folks, media consultants -- and yet they still manage to make ill-advised decisions or comments that were completely avoidable. So I'm going to spill my mutli-million-dollar idea for all, or both, of the loyal 'meaters out there: ESPN, The Video Game. Basically, it's a role playing game for jocks who aren't sure how their words and actions will be perceived. Say you're thinking about demanding a trade. Log on to your game profile, do an interview with the virtual Stephen A. Smith, and then watch the virtual fallout on PTI. Switching jobs? Call a virtual press conference to get an idea of what questions Andy Katz is likely to ask. Need to vent on why dog fighting's really not that bad? Practice with a virtual cell phone call to Ed Werder. Planning to pass to an open teammate for a game-winning three-pointer? Better run through the scenario during that final timeout, just to get a sense of how guest commentator Jalen Rose might feel about that decision. I think this idea is a slam dunk. The only problem? If people actually used it, there would be almost nothing to report on ESPN, The Television Channel.

Good lines

A few well-phrased comments from the week's news:
"As admirable as Tim Duncan is, I have no desire to spend the entire offseason listening to how he and the Spurs—and the sainted Gregg Popovich—do things The Right Way, and how they are such good examples to The Children, especially after the way they thugged it up against the Phoenix Suns. The tendency of a trend-drunk media to anoint certain teams as a demonstration of what James Naismith would have called muscular Christianity is one of the more loathsome of our galloping public hypocrisies." -- Charlie Pierce, Slate

"Both Oden and Durant and other teenage prospects had to bivouac in college this year because of the new rule which prohibits players jumping from high school to the NBA. The NCAA is thrilled with this Head Start program for seven-footers, trumpeting it as a boon for education. This is, of course, pure hogwash. Come on. All a player has to do is stay eligible for one semester with the help of baby-sitter tutors, and then keep a bed warm in the dormitory through March Madness." -- Frank Deford, NPR

"[T]he N.F.L. doesn’t really have to worry about where its teams are located, since most games are televised and the bulk of the league’s revenues come from its network contracts. What’s more, with the right stadium deal and enough corporate sponsorship, team owners can make as much (or more) money in smaller cities as they can in larger ones. That’s why the N.F.L. does just fine despite not fielding a team in 21 of the country’s top 50 markets — including such enormous metropolitan areas as San Antonio, Las Vegas, Orlando and (of course) Los Angeles. Nor does the N.F.L., which now has 32 teams, have much incentive to expand. On the contrary: expansion dilutes the TV money." -- Joe Nocera, PLAY (NYT)

Coming soon

The Sportsmeat Pride Point Grand Slam of Golf continues with the U.S. Open next week. Check back on Monday.