Friday, February 01, 2008
Scene Three: The Confrontation
If you liked the previous excerpts from "Butt Shots," the first and only musical to chronicle the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, you're in luck this Friday afternoon -- Scene Three is below. If you're tired of all this musical nonsense, you can also consider yourself lucky. Scene Five, coming next week, will be the final installment. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out Scene One: The Temptation, Scene Two: The Injection, and Scene Four: The Investigation.
More about Scene Three: This one, inspired by West Side Story, is for Snoop, the best Tony that Monadnock ever saw. It takes us back to an innocent age -- an age before 9/11, before the Florida recount, before Boston became the capital of professional sports -- to the Subway Series of 2000...
[Flash forward to the 2000 World Series. ROGER stands on the mound, staring down a batter]
ANNOUNCER: (spoken) Pitching for the New York Yankees... Roger Clemens. [Applause]
ROGER: [peering menacingly over his glove]
When you're a Yank,
You're expected to win,
It's steroids you thank,
And that's not a sin.
When you're a Yank,
You're a Yank till you're dead,
Built like a tank,
And you aim for the head.
[Winds up and throws a pitch to PIAZZA, who fouls off the ball, breaking his bat]
[ROGER picks up the barrel of the bat and throws it at PIAZZA]
ROGER: (spoken) You want a piece of me?
[The benches clear and the team's face off on the first base line]
PIAZZA: When you're a Met,
You're a Met all the way,
And for sure, you can bet,
I'll be buried at Shea.
METS TEAMMATES: When you're a Met,
You got pride, you can say
Mike -- he's e-fem-inette,
But we swear he's not gay.
ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, whatever---
JETER: When you're a Yank,
You bleed white and blue,
And let me be frank,
We're just better than you.
AL LEITER: When you're a Met,
You don't need to be cocky,
Obnoxious or rude,
Like Jeremy Shockey--
PIAZZA: (spoken) --You mean the sophomore tight end at the University of Miami? Sort of an obscure reference, don't you think?
UMPIRE: When you're an ump,
You make the call.
Enough with the singing,
Can we just play ball?
PIAZZA: (spoken) Uh, sure.
ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, let's go.
[Players stop their posturing, shrug, and slowly head back to their dugouts]
More about Scene Three: This one, inspired by West Side Story, is for Snoop, the best Tony that Monadnock ever saw. It takes us back to an innocent age -- an age before 9/11, before the Florida recount, before Boston became the capital of professional sports -- to the Subway Series of 2000...
[Flash forward to the 2000 World Series. ROGER stands on the mound, staring down a batter]
ANNOUNCER: (spoken) Pitching for the New York Yankees... Roger Clemens. [Applause]
ROGER: [peering menacingly over his glove]
When you're a Yank,
You're expected to win,
It's steroids you thank,
And that's not a sin.
When you're a Yank,
You're a Yank till you're dead,
Built like a tank,
And you aim for the head.
[Winds up and throws a pitch to PIAZZA, who fouls off the ball, breaking his bat]
[ROGER picks up the barrel of the bat and throws it at PIAZZA]
ROGER: (spoken) You want a piece of me?
[The benches clear and the team's face off on the first base line]
PIAZZA: When you're a Met,
You're a Met all the way,
And for sure, you can bet,
I'll be buried at Shea.
METS TEAMMATES: When you're a Met,
You got pride, you can say
Mike -- he's e-fem-inette,
But we swear he's not gay.
ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, whatever---
JETER: When you're a Yank,
You bleed white and blue,
And let me be frank,
We're just better than you.
AL LEITER: When you're a Met,
You don't need to be cocky,
Obnoxious or rude,
Like Jeremy Shockey--
PIAZZA: (spoken) --You mean the sophomore tight end at the University of Miami? Sort of an obscure reference, don't you think?
UMPIRE: When you're an ump,
You make the call.
Enough with the singing,
Can we just play ball?
PIAZZA: (spoken) Uh, sure.
ROGER: (spoken) Yeah, let's go.
[Players stop their posturing, shrug, and slowly head back to their dugouts]
Labels: Roger Clemens Musical
# posted by Budds @ 1:14 PM 
