Sportsmeat

When the news came across the wire last winter that my beloved Royals were spending $55 million for Gil Meche, I had mixed feelings. Sure, he was a quality young pitcher, and yes, they probably weren’t that far over market price. In fact, it was encouraging that they were willing to spend money on someone other than Mike Sweeney, whose frequent DL stints put him in the lineup about as often as a starting pitcher. But Gil Meche? Could he really be the cornerstone of a pitching staff? I joked with E.J. that Royals GM Dayton Moore thought he was signing Gilgamesh, the Mesopotamian demigod chronicled in “The Epic of Gilgamesh.” It's the sort of joke that works on English majors but draws tumbleweeds from everyone else.

Well, so far, Meche has been solid, despite a 4-6 record. He has a 3.21 ERA, averages more than six innings per start, and is the closest thing the Royals have to an All-Star. Plus, he had the marbles to keep his uniform number, 55, reminding every fan of his mega contract each time he throws a pitch. All this made me wonder (again, I'm probably the only one who wonders this): How would he stack up with Gilgamesh? With the help of Wikipedia and ESPN.com, I give you…

Gil Meche vs. Gilgamesh

Physical makeup
Gil Meche is listed at 6-foot-3, 220 pounds, which I think would have been an imposing size in the ancient world. Gilgamesh was pretty powerful -- he defeated the demon giant Humbaba -- but he needed 13 winds from the sun god Shamash to help him get the job done. Weak. Advantage: Gil Meche.

Stats
According to Wikipedia, Gilgamesh was two-thirds god and one-third man. Gil Meche’s god-to-man ratio isn’t listed on ESPN.com, but he has struck out an impressive 2.75 batters for every walk he’s issued. Still, advantage: Gilgamesh.

Sidekicks
Gilgamesh tamed the man-beast Enkidu and turned him into a sort of Mesopotamian Sundance Kid. Enkidu seems like a good dude, interpreting dreams for Gilgamesh and doing some other sidekick stuff, but it doesn’t end well (see below). Gil Meche, on the other hand, has worked well with Royals catcher John Buck, who is having a career year both behind and at the plate. Advantage: Gil Meche.

Results
Despite Gilgamesh’s best efforts, his buddy Enkidu forgets his instructions when he travels to the underworld and is doomed to spend eternity there. Despite Gil Meche’s strong starting pitching, the Royals are mired in last place in the AL Central – perhaps for eternity as well, unless the White Sox’s downward spiral continues. Advantage: Push.

Summary
Man-god king Gilgamesh slayed tigers. Royals pitcher Gil Meche has split two starts against the Tigers. Still, with my warped sense of fairness, I declare Gil Meche king of this head-to-head match-up. Next week: Jorge Posada vs. sea god Poseidon.